My karma ran over my dogma...

Saturday, May 28, 2005


The recital went OK- I was really nervous and my legs and voice got really shaky and stuff and I swallowed some of the first song, but the next one was pretty good. Sadie did really well, grrrrr. I was talking to someone next to me, and I was like:
"I know her, she goes to my school."
and then because everyone was like doting on her, I was like,
"She's really annoying."
and then I felt really bad.

But she is annoying.

Anyway, I got home and shmoozed around till dinner, where I was faced with yet more soccer decisions. Although I missed tryouts, Pete called to say I was on the team.
He said that I was in the bubble between Navy and White, although Navy went premiere and White is still 2nd division. That's two levels apart. Or, providing I make the team, I could join the Strikers classic team, which went first division, as a sort of pathway to Navy. Also, it depends on how well I play with the Navy players and thier coach during the summer thing, Super Y League. Where everyone is amazingly good and really scary. I don't want to do it because I am scared. Plus Navy is REALLY GOOD. And I don't know if I want to play on a premiere team anyway, cuz that's like only a step down from state select, the best-in-the-state team(s) that play other states. I think (I'm pretty sure). SO therefore it's cutthroat and means my whole life dedication (an exaggeration but not by a lot) and I will have even less time for friends, school, and voice. Stupid stupid decisions. I hate them.

But I'm happy he thinks I'm that good.

Friday, May 27, 2005


Well, I’m back from Bald Head, covered in mosquito bites and I have to pee. It was actually really fun, biking everywhere even though we only swam twice and it was freezing! Dru and I had lotsa fun, shouting in British accents while biking until the annoying third years got annoyed and we got tired of it. (Righto, chap?)
The bus got back late and I was freaking out cuz I was light for my recital rehearsal, but it ended up ok. I was only gone a freaking week, but already drama, I’m way out of the loop!
Catherine Alderman was praising me up and down afterwards (in front of Sadie who was after me) about how good I’d gotten and how much I’d improved over the last year, and it made me really happy because she’s not one of those people who holds your hand all the time. And Sadie came in and heard my last song, which made me really nervous, but then I got even more nervous because I knew I was nervous and how am I going to feel tomorrow?!?!? Last recital was at her house with just the kids and it was really cool, but this time, it’s at the library big room thingie with a stage and two stairs and a pianist and everything and I have to bow and everyone will be there with their parents and maybe their friends, I dunno, but omfg!
Ok calm down.
Anyway, I’m so freaking nervous this SUCKS. Especially since I haven’t practiced this week at the beach. Maybe next year I’ll invite some friends like I’m supposed to. It would make me a lot nervous-er though. But then you all can stop bugging me to sing for you!

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Upper School

Holy freaking shit, I definatly just really let it sink in that I am going to Upper School next year. I mostly finished my classes sign up just now, and it hit me that this academic year is OVER! Wow. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeehaw hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!

4th year trip

1: rafting

Like everyone else, I must post about how much the 4th year trip rocked. Actually, the only fun part was the rafting and the bus rides. I wasn’t in the same raft as my groupie, so I was sad even though my soul mates (Jeramie and Dru) were in my raft. We sucked; Ryan fell out twice, Henry once, and Dru once. Plus our guide hated us! And I was in the front and I was messing up but Dru was being perfect and matching her strokes like perfect and I was jealous! Then we had the grossest dinner ever, and went to see Star Wars.

2: Star Wars

It sucked.
It made me really sad, even though I didn’t watch Aniken or whatever his name is burn up cuz it was gross even though max said it was the best part. Ben kept leaning over and ruining the Padme scenes by going “babyyyyyyyyy”. On the way there, I was in a weird mood and I was humming and singing quietly for like ten minutes and finally Morrah’s like, ‘Hey, I know that song!’ And Henry’s like, ‘Its Ok, you sound good.’
And I had a little freak out cuz I didn’t know they were listening. But we were mostly there anyway. Henry sang “American Pie” it was the greatest ever!

3: ropes course

Then the ropes course sucked ass, we waited around for like 5 hours, and only did it once each. And you had to be careful where you looked cuz all the guys were wearing harnesses at some point and it was so gross! And then Jim… urg never mind.The bus back was really nice (I’m so friggin glad I wasn’t on the other bus). We played Wicked Words, and then I fell asleep for like an hour. When I woke up, Jordan was telling riddles and we had to figure them out by asking him questions. It was so fun! Then Jeramie fell asleep on me (I think she was asleep) and it was really sweet but it would have worked a lot better if I had had bigger boobs.

4: dance

I went to Julie's before the dance, with our groupie. I was in such a weird mood, what with Max telling us about her little explorations with Joe. I was really happy for her, then I was jealous, then I was upset for being jealous, and then I was happy again. Anyway, the dance rocked my socks off! the third years are so much better at dances then we could ever be even if we tried, it was crazy. That was the first time I've ever had so much fun at a dance. Samantha taught me the polka (OMGOMGOMG) which made my day right there, and then I Ryan-danced with Ryan, and Samantha and I Dorothy danced (wiz of oz) and I just had a great time.
See, I never learned how to dance because I never spent time in front of the mirror teaching myself like everyone else. SO I never knew 'how to dance'. Dances were hell previously, but this time, it just clicked, and I moved to the music. WHo knows whether I looked good or not, but the best part was that I didnt care! It was AMAZING! Except then Kirsten and Morrah made me sad because they were sad but I polka-ed with them and helped (I hope)! It was so sad at the end, it made me really moody.

5: Grace's

It was freezing cold and raining, and me, Momo, and Georgia all huddled together to keep warm in the car. We all changed into our pjs and got warm, though. THen I watched Grace and Ben's IM for like ages (It was actually really funny) while Dru made pizza. We were all cuddled on the couch and she was bustling around cooking the pizza, it was really funny.
In order not to group off, we all fit into grace's room. I was on a twin bed with Grace and Georgia, and we had to sort of spoon to make room. It was really fun though, especially when Rebecca was snoring really loudly.
Grace's dad made yumyum pancakes, and then my mom took Dru, Juliette, and Julie home.

6: The End.

It makes me so sad thinking of everything that happened, because it’s all over now. But i'm going to Bald Head next week, so when that's over I can cry. But I'd rather get it all out at once, so I'll wait till then to be sad.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005


I know I'm being obsessive, but Toni gave me back my Australia journals yesterday, and then I was watching my iMovie with those pictures from Australia, and I'm listening to music from Australia now, and I'm all sad because I miss it so much! I know that sounds really stupid, but it was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to much, and I'd give just about anything to be able to go back. It was just...spectacular. I keep thinking of the randomest moments, not like when we were hiking or standing on a mountain looking 1000 feet down or snorkeling in the coral reef with the rainbow fish. Like when I was sitting on the college campus, looking at all the stands lined up outside and hearing all the college kids' accents from all over Australia, and just feeling the joy. Or when we were at the Ningaloo reef and making a sand shark from the water to the dunes, and meeting the guy with the metal detector, who's employment is to look for gold in the desert, and he's found 5 dollars worth of coins in the sand so far. It was peculiar so we went around to watch, and talked to him, and when he found a Chinese coin that was reasonably valuable, and he gave it to us. Which reminds me of how easy-going everyone was, like when we ordered a croissant and the store person was like, well we're about to close and we have an extra croissant so you can have it, or when the folks in Canarvon recognized us when we came back and heaped us with free goods, or just friendly folks going out of their way. I mean, you would never ever have that happen in America, except in the most remote corners.
And how, when the exotic-ness catches up, you realize you're halfway across the world on a different continent, twelve hours ahead of your friends. Or seeing all the animals however trivial, and how excited you were when you counted the 100th kangaroo and thought of how amused the Australians were when you got so excited about a kangaroo.
And now I remember the "sacred site" signs at Uluru, or Ayers Rock...
omg I really need to stop...
I'm sorry Ben, I still owe you those reptile museum pictures-

I'm a loser

Wow there's way to many exlamation points in that entry. I'm such a spaz. I was, like, hypering out at the soccer party...musta been all that sugar.

Yay soccer party!

The soccer party today was almost as fun as the one we had when it was a half day! Dylan even turned on the sprinklers for a little! But it wasnt all girls so it lacked the certain umph of where one can parade about in a revealing bikini and not care.
OMG my life's dream is to go skinny dipping at midnight with a bunch of friends...doesnt that sound amazing?!?! (Right max?) My other life's dream is to own a pair of home-tiedyed underwear, but thats another story...
Anyway, we had cake and talked sentimentally about how much we loved each other, the team, Dylan, etc. and had cake!! After a good bit of running around and kicking the ball with our (my) bare feet.
I love frisbee-ing! It was SO fun. I hate how Ben can throw such a sweet throw really far, he's like a frisbee-ing genius! I hung out with Jeramie and Dru and juggled cuz Max was hanging all over Joe and Momo was with her. But it was great!
We were talking about our plans and stuff, and I think it would be REALLY cool to all get together, like all the fourth year girls (if we included the guys, the girls would clique off again and show off and stuff). We might do that before the dance, but I dunno. We'll see. If not, I want everyone to party at my house at the end of the year, OK guys?
Time to work on my research paper....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, May 14, 2005

My Research Paper

OMFG!!!!! Stupid stupid stupid research paper. this is my day:
wake up, have breakfast
work on my research paper until 1
sing with Daddy's group for an hour or so
work on my paper
mow the yard
work on my paper
I'll eat dinner, and then work on my paper some more after this

It's 7:25, which means ive been working on it for...about eight hours today!!!!!!!!! Am I looking forward to high school! and I've only got five pages typed, and i'm freaking out about the citation thing...wait, is it supposed to be doublespaced? Oh SHIT...

Friday, May 13, 2005

Crybabies and Dinner (yet more soccer)

Yes, the CFS soccer team freaking lost to Cary Christian, no less. They were being really annoying. I should have, like, fell to my knees after a good cross, and gone “thank you, Jesus!” They probably would have been so shocked they couldn’t play. And people were crying and stuff (thank goodness I didn’t ride the bus home). To tell the truth, I was like yea I’m pissed but I’m not going to flood the place- it was wet enough from yesterday’s thunderstorm. (Witty, eh? heehee) I was more upset when we played Triangle Day and tied, to tell the truth. Anyway, there was a ton of people there- it was pretty cool considering that it was our last game. All boys. A coincidence? I think not. It really freaks girls when guys watch them play and talk about them, like we do with guys. After the game, max and me went out to dinner (conspicuously un-sobbing-our-hearts-out). It was really yummy!


Speaking of summer being over, and the exploratorium front, all is well. I had a slight (NOT) clash of schedules, with my Island Writing Retreat/Bald Head Party the same week as TFC tryouts (AHHHHHHHH!!!!). So we talk to Pete and he said I didn’t have to tryout, I’m ON! Which I’m kinda suspicious of considering how much I suck compared to everyone else. ( If you don’t believe me, you’ll have to come to one of my games.) I’m so excited!!!!! Oh, and it would be awesomely cool if Jeramie or Dru joined my team! Right? Uh huh. You’re awesome! (Max, I know how u feel about that.)

And my third entry featuring exclusively…SOCCER! You must be so bored! I’m sorry but my life revolves around it so that’s all I can talk about.

Oh, a tidbit of news. I’m in the same category as Sadie, which means that we have our recital together. AHHHHHHHHH I HATE THAT GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At least I don’t feel totally sucky, cuz Sadie is the youngest student, and the group is mostly young high schoolers. So I don’t suck (sort of). And please, PLEASE don’t ask me to sing for you, because I hate it and I WON'T! Because. I will when I’m really good, OK? Or you can come to Molly’s bat mitzvah! (I’m so excited about that, even though it’s in like two years!

omg I'm turning into Rebecca and leaving super-long thingies that no one bothers to read (at least I don't have the patience for it). I still love you Rebecca!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Oy this title is totally irrelavant

The other reason for a blog is that I can blabber and not waste anyone’s time. For example, I kinda went on a rant in an email, and didn't really mean to like, waste their time. This is what I wrote:

…it really seems that this is the make it or break it year for our grade...ALL the spirit ppl quit, so now i think its only me max and colin that “made it” and play club... although i rlly dont think ive made it, i suck i cant do anything right at "training"
although i felt like that (about practice and my team) about the Cyclones at first and they were the best thing that happened to me, i certainly would have broke it if not for them. I mean, i scored every other game it was crazy what they brought out in me. I loved them so much, when we were going to be on TV, i missed the first day for the Cyclones annual sleepover
i think i have the commitment for classic but not the skill... he said when Pete Sadin asked me to join he wanted me for my "athletisism". i was kinda miffed cuz i had just come from cyclones, but i have NOTHING compared to the other ppl. at least they arent all bitchy. I do have the commitment, i mean i keep in shape like a racehorse, no one else in this school can imagine running 4 miles in addition to 3 practices a week, but i dunno. I guess soccer is all about knowing someone is always better than u, but it sux. and i guess its kind of a relief not being a starter, but that worries me that i dont care so much. A few years ago, i was a star. at the end of the game when we were slapping hands the coaches used to come up to me and say "you did great, ur awesome" etc. and i was bitter about not getting that attention but then i told myself, 'what are you? how can you want to get all the attention when other people worked their asses off? youre jealous cuz they are better then u!' and thats when i started really pushing. and now im in classic soccer, and i love being with ppl that love the game, but its EXPENSIVE, i dont want to be making a mistake with my commitment level and stuff. And i guess what i want is to get a scholorship to college and say, "there that wasnt all thrown away!" but other people dream of going to the olympics or sumthing. i cant deal under pressure i get scared of the ball.
im really sorry for ranting, ive talked to my parents and stuff, but my dad doesnt think classic is a good idea, and ive told everything to my mom, i talk to her about everything. well not really. its hard to start a conversation about on the edge stuff but once the converstaion is started it all comes out. and my friends are like 'stop being a perfectionist ur amazing, ur great stop worrying, look at me...' and then they go all sorry for themselves. and they werent on cyclones, don’t understand how i could be best friends with anyone of them. it didnt matter if we lost, i didnt hear one person yell at another the ENTIRE SEASON. they treated me like a best friend even tho i was a year younger then them, and if i see them around now they run up and give me a big hug. after just one half of a season…

Just for the record, I am a starter now (left back: isn’t that funny?) and practice is a lot better now that I’ve gotten to know the team and am comfortable enough to play my game, which probably earned me the spot. But it’s so sad, I replaced this girl, who is so sweet and nice, I don’t think she could hold a grudge- she talks and like hangs out with me sometimes, that’s how nice she is. But soccer season is mostly over now so I can rant about other stuff now…

OMG TRYOUTS WHAT IF I DON’T MAKE THE TEAM AHHHHHHHH SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, never mind! I’ve got a crazy shinguard tan.
Do you know how good it feels to takeyou’re your sweaty shinguards and socks and stick your wet legs out the window while in the car with the air rushing by? Omg it’s like heaven! (I’m so weird!) ;-D

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Two lifetimes

Marshall brought her entire baby book to the game yesterday, and when I finally arrived, I was met with, “Hey, I saw you as a baby!” and “Omg you had a curly afro when you were little” etc. etc. Marshall kinda smiled and went back to putting her goalie stuff on.

See, Marshall and I were best friends as babies and on, until we were like four or five. Then she moved for a year, and when she came back, we lost touch. I’d totally forgotten about her when 10 years later, she shows up on my soccer team. It’s awkward enough that we ignore each other, though it may just be the new-team syndrome for me where I don’t talk to anyone and my game doesn’t pick up until I’m comfortable enough at around the end of the season. Anyway, we’d kinda just pretended we didn’t know each other and don’t talk to each other until Thursday practice. The team was fooling around with Pete in between drill thingies and sharing childhood stories (“I got drunk and fell down the stairs” “My sister hit me with a shovel” “I was a weird kid…” etc.) I was just listening (as usual) and Pete was like, “what about you?” to me. Marshall and I kinda look at each other and she said, “I’ll bring in photos at the Saturday game.” And I’m like “I will too.” That was the first time we’d ever acknowledged our past, and really ever said anything to each other.

It’s so weird- I have two lifetimes. Before I came to CFS, and after. It’s not really connected to CFS, just that period in my life. Before, well, there’s not really a way to describe it. I was a tomboy whose only female friends were Sony and Alanna, and hung out with the boys and played pick up soccer every day at recess. I wore “boy’s” clothes, and ran around and had fun. There are no connections to my previous life- only Sonja, and we’re pretty content to just email and see each other ever so often. That is until Marshall showed up. It is the weirdest feeling, being with her, seeing her face in Margolis’ yearbook, knowing Max knew her from soccer a long time ago, and then yesterday seeing me and her at about two years old in her album, with our chubby baby cheeks and bellies. I brought a few pictures of her going away party, where she gave me the volcano from her cake.

At CFS, there are no connections to my other life. I just really noticed that. I think I like that.

By the way, isn't that the coolest thing ever that my team has a web page! (that's the real reason I joined the team : ) go to links then team page...